As for Bethany, she finds a hat.<\/p>\n
It does not suffice.<\/p>\n
Nothing suffices. She tries more and more elaborate hats, and simpler ones too; and different shades of red.<\/p>\n
Finally, bleak, her face a pale ghost\u2019s beneath her florid red bonnet, she stands upon the edge of a rooftop and she sways.<\/p>\n
\u201cI cannot make myself give up,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
They have come, of course: the others in her House. Peter sits on the edge of the roof beside her. Saul, he sprawls.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat would be unsaintly,\u201d says Saul. \u201cIf nothing else.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just,\u201d says Bethany, \u201cthat for a moment, I thought, because I\u2019d worked hard; because I did my best, and strove for right things, that I\u2019d have a miracle come down to me, that I\u2019d reach the happy ending. And then Edmund ate it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat bastard,\u201d says Saul. \u201cHow dare he eat somebody else\u2019s happy ending?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bethany tries not to laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cBloody heck,\u201d mutters Peter. \u201cNow I\u2019m hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n
She can feel them in their red hats behind her, and to the sides. She lets herself fall backwards onto the roof, instead of forward. She lands hard enough to crack the concrete, but it doesn\u2019t seem to have affected her at all.<\/p>\n
She stares upwards at the stars.<\/p>\n
\u201cA long time ago,\u201d she decides, \u201cI think, a wicked god of space came to Earth, and told us that there was no hope. That nothing meant anything. That nothing would ever mean anything. That we were just pathetic sacks of meat, trundling around about our lives. But people kept looking up at the sky anyway, dreaming and hungering and hoping, so it had to fly away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s probably where the scissors came from,\u201d Peter says.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d Bethany says.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Some guy was just sitting at home trying to cut paper with a knife, and suddenly he thought, \u2018you know, I bet there\u2019s no hope. I bet I\u2019m just a pathetic skin-sack full of meat. So I\u2019ll stick one knife on<\/i> this other knife, on a kind of hinge-like thing, and thus express my existential despair!\u2019 Poor man! If he\u2019d thought to add a third blade, you know, he would have seen that there are good things left in this mortal world.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Bethany says.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo?\u201d<\/p>\n
She reaches for the sky. She takes a handful of space. She looks at it. It doesn\u2019t seem much different than any other handful of nothingness. She blows it away.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not about whether your n-issor has two or three blades on it,\u201d says Bethany. \u201cIt\u2019s all about the quality of your hat.\u201d<\/p>\n
They\u2019re silent for a while.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t like being a saint,\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a druggie,\u201d says Saul. \u201cAnd I was a musician. I did Lethal rock and roll.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, that\u2019s <\/i>who you are,\u201d says Bethany. She beams. \u201cSaul, right? I liked it. With the spinny table thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe . . . yes,\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
She gives him a thumbs-up.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know who I am,\u201d says Saul. \u201cThis isn\u2019t who I was expecting. I mean, maybe it\u2019s better? But it\u2019s not right<\/i>, it\u2019s not like the me I was used to being at all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes,\u201d says Bethany, \u201cwe have someone inside us who we\u2019re not expecting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then they surge out,\u201d says Saul. \u201cAnd take over!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d says Bethany. \u201cThat wasn\u2019t where I was going.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was going to be more, you know, inspirational-like.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
He laughs.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that what you do? Inspire? I mostly keep people from getting gout.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSeriously?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYup!\u201d says Saul. \u201cI point at people. I bless them. \u2018Gout, get out!\u2019 And it skedaddles. Or \u2018you won\u2019t get gout!\u2019 And they don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can protect people against buggy software,\u201d says Bethany.<\/p>\n
Saul whistles.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m aces at protect\u2014\u201d Peter stops. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHm?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was interrupting. Buggy software. Go on!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it,\u201d Bethany says. \u201cLike, bam, you are never going to be messed up by buggy software. I think I can also protect people against science in general but that seems a little rude.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll pass,\u201d agrees Saul.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a bit of a lull. \u201cAt what, um . . . you?\u201d Bethany asks, pointing at Peter.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d Peter says. \u201cStorms. At sea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no, name first,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeter,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cBethany,\u201d she says. \u201cI want one of those blessings.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure thing,\u201d says Peter. \u201cBam! Protected.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSaul,\u201d adds Saul.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re like Pokemon,\u201d giggles Bethany.<\/p>\n
\u201cSaul \u2014 saul?\u201d says Saul. Then he frowns. \u201cNo, this is unfair. You two have much better names for Pokemon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEr?\u201d Peter questions. Then he blushes. \u201cI mean \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
There is no salvaging that.<\/p>\n
Saul steps in with, \u201cI do worry, though, that I\u2019ll point at someone and give them antigout, only, they\u2019ll then have <\/i>gout.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s impossible,\u201d Bethany assures him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey could get a gout-like syndrome,\u201d says Saul. \u201cOr gout, that is saint-resistant. Like those bacteria.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNobody ever proved,\u201d says Peter, who is going to point out that it was never actually <\/i>established that bacillus deuterocanonicus was saint-resistant, but Saul waves it off.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr those other bacteria!\u201d<\/p>\n
Peter makes a wry face.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019re determined to bash your sainthood,\u201d he says, \u201cI\u2019m hardly going to stop you. You go! You show<\/i> that \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
Much as Peter would like to finish a sentence at this point, he doesn\u2019t actually know who that would be showing.<\/p>\n
\u201c. . . that canonization committee?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Pope,\u201d guesses Saul, dismally. \u201cThat\u2019s who I\u2019d show, but I won\u2019t show him. He will come along, instead, and he will rip the hat right off my head, and he will mock: \u2018Saul! Your miracles are inefficacious.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d says Bethany.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wears a white, white hat,\u201d says Peter.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, God,\u201d says Bethany. \u201cHe does, doesn\u2019t he. He\u2019d eat <\/i>you.\u201d<\/p>\n
They ponder this.<\/p>\n
\u201cThough,\u201d says Peter, \u201crealistically, I don\u2019t think he has the necessary authority. This is England!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t accept the Anglican explanation for the scissors,\u201d sighs Saul. \u201cThat\u2019s why I\u2019m a filthy Papist.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat and the filth?\u201d Bethany says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s hard climbing up here without anybody noticing,\u201d says Saul. \u201cI had to scale the trash chute!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a stairway,\u201d says Bethany, at which Saul\u2019s face inevitably falls.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m really bad at this,\u201d says Saul. \u201cSeriously. I should just go get myself a Devil hat or something. What color would that be?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe doesn\u2019t wear hats,\u201d says Peter. \u201cHe\u2019s the Devil.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe could,\u201d says Bethany, but Peter just shakes his head.<\/p>\n
Their conversation gets boring for a while. It\u2019s all about subtle details of color theory and ecclesiastical traditions, followed by this digression on NP-completeness that basically is just blah <\/i>blah blah <\/i>blah blah.<\/i><\/p>\n
I mean, maybe<\/i> in there somewhere they said the thing you\u2019ve been waiting your whole life to be hearing. But I don\u2019t think so.<\/p>\n
Probably?<\/p>\n
I mean, probably not.<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cSo what we do, guys?\u201d Bethany says, after a while. She\u2019s feeling a little bit better.<\/p>\n
\u201cSaint stuff,\u201d Peter says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean,\u201d says Bethany, but they all know what she means. She means, what is that, anyway?<\/i><\/p>\n
So Peter just answers. \u201cI punched the Devil once. Right on the nose!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh!\u201d says Bethany. \u201cViolence? I can do tha \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
She hesitates. There\u2019s a kind of sickness churning in her chest that suggests that possibly violence isn\u2019t central to what a saint does.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, come on<\/i>,\u201d she whispers, to the stars.<\/p>\n
Doom darkens around her. She glares at it. But it\u2019s just a perceptual phenomenon!<\/p>\n
The harder she glares at it the darker it just dooms.<\/p>\n
She rips her eyes away.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s probably a moral test,\u201d she denies. \u201cThe hat knows that we, as saints, have to be strong enough to beat up evil even after our sainthood tunes and sharpens our inner awareness that hurting people is wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHats don\u2019t lie about moral issues,\u201d Saul informs her.<\/p>\n
\u201cSeriously?\u201d<\/p>\n
Saul hesitates. He looks at his hands. \u201cWell, they\u2019d better not. I\u2019d have to take mine off!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I\u2019ve got to be able,\u201d says Peter, \u201cto smush scissors.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t \u2014 I mean, it can\u2019t<\/i> be, I mean, violence can\u2019t<\/i> be wrong for me.<\/i> I\u2019m Peter<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t reason with scissors,\u201d Saul assures him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can,\u201d says Peter. \u201cI just don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou \u2014 well, I mean, not hand scissors<\/i>,\u201d says Peter. \u201cBut I could be a missionary to the scissors-swarm. If I wanted to. Which I don\u2019t! Because they\u2019re scissors. I mean, seriously. Nobody makes giant statues in honor of missionaries who diplomat with scissors. I want books. I want postcards. Big pictures saying, Peter:\u201d and here he sweeps his hand to indicate how big the pictures will be. He\u2019s imagining a glorious image of himself, there, on top of a pile of dead scissors; martyred, he, scissors in his eyes in the shape of crosses, scissors through his hands, and a glorious banner fluttering from him, and he declaims the words it reads: \u201cHe was awesome, and he did for \u2019em.*\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
The footnote, which he doesn\u2019t share aloud, reads: * also he was an astronaut and a ninja. So there.<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ve already sort of started,\u201d says Bethany.<\/p>\n
\u201cHm?\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ve started. I mean, the merchandizing and stuff. Down at the cathedral. There\u2019s this eighty-year-old window mosaic of me blessing away some Oracle bug.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh,\u201d says Peter. \u201cYou\u2019d think somebody would have noticed that you hadn\u2019t been born yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s cathedrals for you,\u201d says Bethany. \u201cThey didn\u2019t even figure out who Christ was for like four hundred years after he showed up at Dura-Europos, and I think the Vatican\u2019s still got about five saints and a Second Coming up there that haven\u2019t shown yet at all. You\u2019re in front of a boot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt the cathedral. In the image. You\u2019re there, spreading your arms and glowing with your back to a really big boot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s just awesome,\u201d says Peter. He can\u2019t tell whether he\u2019s being sarcastic or not. He likes boots, but there\u2019s a disturbingly Mother Hubbard vibe to this idea.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d actually guessed,\u201d says Bethany, \u201cthat you\u2019d like, bless footwear.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot unless there are storms or scissors,\u201d says Peter, \u201cand a sea of some sort involved.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I could still kill people,\u201d says Bethany.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s thinking of Edmund.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I could kill them, and eat their <\/i>hats.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI <\/i>wish I had a pony,\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
Bethany giggles.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to rule the universe,\u201d counters Bethany, snapping her fingers and pointing at Saul. \u201cFrom a giant throne in the cosmos. It\u2019s made of lightning!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut my pony,\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo! I flippantly dispose of ponies. You shall have none. I am cruel!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to fight scissors,\u201d says Peter.<\/p>\n
Bethany waves a hand dismissively. \u201cGo do it,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s impossible!\u201d says Peter. \u201cThey\u2019re all in space!\u201d<\/p>\n
Bethany focuses on him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re playing this game wrong,\u201d she tells him.<\/p>\n
Peter makes a face. \u201cFine,\u201d he says. \u201cI wish I could ride a holy beanstalk-climbing wolf up a magical beanstalk to fight scissors. In space! And the evil aliens are there too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter,\u201d says Saul. \u201cI want a cure for cancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey cured<\/i> cancer,\u201d says Bethany.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot all<\/i> of it,\u201d says Saul.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Sheffield Cancer Repository doesn\u2019t count! That thing will die if it stops being cancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe it ought <\/i>to die,\u201d says Saul. \u201cStupid cancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t be mean,\u201d says Bethany.<\/p>\n
Saul sighs.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to be good,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
Peter nods, like: I hear you<\/i>.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to be good,\u201d says the saint, feebly, \u201cbut somehow \u2014 somehow I think I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As for Bethany, she finds a hat. It does not suffice. Nothing suffices. She tries more and more elaborate hats, and simpler ones too; and different shades of red. Finally, bleak, her face a pale ghost\u2019s beneath her florid red bonnet, she stands upon the edge of a rooftop and she sways. \u201cI cannot make […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":4912,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"series":[47],"class_list":["post-5106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-storm-that-saw-itself-chapter-3","series-the-storm-that-saw-itself"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Hat_3a_nobg.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5106"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5106\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6150,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5106\/revisions\/6150"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4912"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5106"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/books.hitherby.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fseries&post=5106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}